This week was all about communication and the different ways we communicate. We’ve discussed and talked in class about the many aspects of relationships with our families, spouses, and people we love. Communication is a huge part of relationships and I would even go as far as saying that communication is one of the most basic needs or wants of us human beings. Languages have come up and have been worked on for hundreds and thousands of years since the beginning of mankind and till today, it remains one of the most important aspects of our lives, whether we know it or not.

            There are countless ways of communicating but the main ones that we use every day, are – verbal, non-verbal, and tone. Verbal communication, like mentioned earlier, is just the most basic form of communication. It is the main medium in which we let someone else know something and vice versa. Despite it being so important, almost every one of us have yet to perfect the ways of communicating. Conflicts often arise in any form of relationship we have with others and sometimes these conversations can get hostile and unpleasant.

            We talked and discussed five different ways to deescalate verbal communication and how to change the course of a potentially unpleasant conversation. First of all, we need to know the disarming technique. This is when we do our best to not come off as defensive so the other person(s) will not put up a defensive barrier too, which will escalate the conversation. To do this, we must first be willing to find and focus on kernels of truth, especially when it seems unreasonable. This means that when someone is accusing us of something, we must be able to identify truth in those accusations, especially if they are unreasonable. This shows humility on our end and also shows willingness to listen and to admit guilt. When we do this, defensiveness goes down significantly and tensions are eased.

            Next, we must be able to express sympathy. This has to be sincere and genuine. An example of this is if someone expresses anger or sorrow to us and it seems like it will turn unpleasant or even hostile. It may be tempting or even natural for us to be defensive but that will not help. When we express sincere empathy, sorrow, and apologize when appropriate, it again shows humility and willingness to admit fault. After we show empathy, we can then inquire. This is when we give the other person a chance to express how they feel more. We can say things like “I’d like to hear more”, or “you are saying XYZ, is this right?” This is a sign that we are actually listening and want to be part of this conversation.

            After that, we can move on with the “I feel” statement. A basic and simple example is to use the following sentence: “When a specific situation/event, I feel/felt emotion because thoughts. I really like hope/desire.” This sentence is important because it points out a specific event or situation, then it gives us a chance to express our emotion or feelings and why we feel or felt that way, then it finally presents us with the chance to express our hopes or desires for the situation. This gives the person we are talking to our perspective, thoughts, feelings, hopes, desires, etc. and makes sure the conversation is fair and equal, that it is not just one person talking over the other.

            Once all of these things have been done, we can then move on to stroking. This step is as crucial as the rest of the steps because it is an opportunity to express admiration and appreciation. After all that has been said, there might be things that are unpleasant or even feelings of hurt. Expressing admiration, appreciation, and positive emotions can help sweeten things up a little and in most cases, make everything better.

            My biggest takeaway is that communication is important but also hard. Often times, it is like we are using butter knives to perform brain surgery in our homes. In other words, we have to make sure that we are precise and intentional in our communication, whatever form it may be. We have to make sure that people not just understand us, but that we cannot be misunderstood.

              Another week has gone by and this week’s lesson and discussions were focused on the family and the many different kinds of stresses that it can and will be subject to. Everything that we have talked about before this lesson was focused on specific times or stages in a relationship and in marriage. We’ve talked about how couples face all sorts of different challenges and how heartache and difficulties often arise in this imperfect world.

              According to the Cleveland Clinic: “Stress is the body's reaction to any change that requires an adjustment or response. The body reacts to these changes with physical, mental, and emotional responses. Stress is a normal part of life. You can experience stress from your environment, your body, and your thoughts.” This means that stress is something that everyone, whether in a relationship, married, divorced, or just single, will definitely experience.

              When two people decide to get married, they are committing to a whole new world and way of life that they probably have never experienced before. This means that everything from when and how many children to have to how each of them sleep may be big or small sources of stress to their relationship. Having said this, stress, as mentioned above, is a totally normal part of life and the important thing is how we view them and also how we deal with them.

              A couple can always find out coping methods or mechanisms to help them when they are facing stress or challenges. I also like to look at stress as an opportunity for the couple to be more open, honest, patient, and loving with each other as they can talk to each other and try to figure things out. Through effective communication and love for each other, couples can often times find their relationship being strengthened and create a stronger bond with each other. Couples would also have to know what their weaknesses and strengths are. Two people, no matter how well they get along with each other, will always be different even in the slightest way. This means that they have to be more aware of each other and learn to appreciate each other and find ways to help lift the other person up because of their weaknesses.

              I would like to end this week’s post by sharing a quote by Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin, who was an apostle of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. He said this: “Each of us will have our own Fridays -- those days when the universe itself seems shattered and the shards of our world lie littered about us in pieces. We all will experience those broken times when it seems we can never be put together again. We will all have our Fridays. But I testify to you in the name of the One who conquered death -- Sunday will come. In the darkness of our sorrow, Sunday will come. No matter our desperation, no matter our grief, Sunday will come. In this life or the next, Sunday will come." This is something I find really positive and helpful because it reminds us that challenges and trials are always short-term. If we are able to endure and resolve our problems in a healthy way, there will always be light at the end of the tunnel. Things will get better and this gives light and hope to whoever needs it, whether they know it or not.

            We have been able to talk about a variety of different topics throughout the course of this class and I was able to learn a ton of new stuff. This past week’s discussion was no exception to that. We have talked about preparing for marriage, transitioning into married life, and the many aspects of marriage and preparing for one. This week, we talked about something much more intimate and sacred – Sexual Intimacy and Family Life.

            We have discussed and I have posted on this blog before about how men and women are just undeniably and biologically different. We have different ways of thinking and different ways of responding or dealing to and with situations. Our bodies work differently which means we have different strengths that can assist us greatly with our roles in life. The topic of intimacy in a marriage just strengthens my thoughts and appreciation for those differences and I feel like it is very important for anyone to know of these differences and how they can affect us sexually.

            We were able to talk about and learn how men and women experience and respond to sex. There are four stages of sexual response: Excitement, plateau, orgasm, and finally resolution. Excitement is a result of physical or psychological arousal. Men and women go through different physical changes during this stage like the lubrication of the vagina in women and the erection of the penis in men. This may or may not lead to the next stage, which is plateau. This is when two people engage in sexual activity in preparation for orgasm, which is the third stage. This is the stage when there is a release of all the sexual tension and excitement that has been building up till this point. In men, for example, this is when ejaculation of the semen happens. Lastly, there is resolution, which is a sort of “resting” phase for the body. Men tend to need a much longer time of resolution than women do, as women can have multiple orgasms, sometimes without the need of this resolution phase.

            On top of the physical changes that happen which we can visualize, there are also hormonal changes in men and women’s bodies. Men have testosterone which leads to an increased sex drive and desire, often times more than that of women. Women, on the other hand, have a plethora of different releases of hormones. One of the hormones which will affect women the most is oxytocin. Oxytocin is released when a mother is going into labor. It helps with contractions of the uterus in preparation for delivering a baby. This hormone also makes women incredibly emotionally attached to the baby she just delivered to.

            This presents challenges as women who engage in sexual activity before they get married will experience this surge of oxytocin in their system. They may not be aware of it, but it makes them very attached to whoever their sexual partner is, which may be damaging emotionally as she will get attached but if it is just a hook-up and not an actual and real relationship, she may find it hard to let go and may feel like she is ripped away from him/her. Men, on the other hand, may engage in sexual activity before marriage and just move on a lot easier, which is why men tend to have more sexual partners than women do.

             One thing to remember is that sex may be a very instinctive and human thing to do, but it is also very sacred and powerful. If used correctly and properly, sexual intimacy in marriage has the ability to strengthen, bond, and make a couple feel like one, not just emotionally but physically. Married couples must always be aware of their spouses and be sure that they are treating them with love, respect, but also knowing and meeting their needs. Couples need to also be kind and generous with each other, not withholding love or intimacy with each other.

Last week’s lesson and discussion was all about preparing for marriage and laying the foundation for a good marriage. This week’s discussion continues in the same theme of marriage, but adds to it by talking about the transitions in marriage. As mentioned in the previous lessons and in my thoughts, families are the most important unit and we should actively seek out things that will help strengthen our families or lay the foundation for a good one.

            When two people decide to get married, they are transitioning from being a couple that are dating to being two people who will now live together and will share everything between them, while making big decisions, and may more adjustments and changes. In other words, they are experiencing changes in their roles and responsibilities. It changes even more when they decide to have children, then their roles would change even more.

            Changes can always be difficult because most of us tend to get comfortable with how things are in our lives and we tend to get into habits or routines. Change is often difficult and uncomfortable but is good for us most of the time. I believe that it is important for us to establish patterns in the early stages of anything we do. We had an interesting discussion in class when we talked about developing patterns while we’re still in the stages of a relationship prior to getting married. As mentioned in last week’s post, the stages leading up to marriage are dating, courtship, and engagement. If we are able to develop patterns and habits while we are still in those stages, they will very likely be carried on into the marriage.

            We also talked about how some people think that marriage will solve all the problems that they’ve had while they were dating or engaged but that mentality is wrong. For example, if a couple is always arguing and disagreeing on things, whether big or small, while they are still dating or engaged, those disagreements and arguments will still continue on into their marriage, and even be multiplied into bigger disagreements and arguments.

            Another pattern that we discussed in class that I thought was important and that stood out to me was boundaries. Boundaries are important as they function as invisible and intangible barriers, or a layer or protection, for whoever is within it. I like to look at boundaries as circles. A husband and his wife will have a circle around them. This means that they plan things out, solve problems together, prioritize and spend time with each other. They would and should also be planning things out together. An example that was brought up in class was weddings. Weddings can be a pain to plan and often times are quite a financial burden. Traditionally, the bride’s family is the one who plans and pays for most of the wedding. This doesn’t seem like a big deal to many people but when you think of it, has the potential to cause many problems.

            Marriage is such an important stage and opportunity to a couple because they start and learn how to plan for their wedding and also their marriage. If the bride-to-be is putting all her attention into planning the wedding but with her mother, she is unknowingly disabling the boundary between her future husband and her, and creating one with her mother. When the family pays for the wedding, they might also have certain expectations and want returns or favors from the couple.

            This is just an example of how boundaries can be broken and how a couple might miss out on an important and meaningful opportunity to plan things out and learn to make important decisions together. I believe that if couples who are preparing for marriage really be cautious and recognize planning and learning opportunities, they would be able to develop healthy and useful patterns for when they do get married.

              Another week has gone by and we had the chance to have yet another interesting week full of lessons and discussions in this class. This week’s topic was “Preparing for Marriage”. My parents have always been one of the greatest examples of a good marriage to me. Growing up, I’ve always seen marriages that are going well, and others that aren’t. I’ve always wanted to know what works and what doesn’t, and why a marriage works or turns out a certain way and not another. As I’ve grown older, I’ve started to think of my future and what I want my marriage, career, family, etc. to look like.

            A tall and beautiful skyscraper is a true sight to behold. It is an engineering marvel that is built to stand the strong winds and even earthquakes, depending on where it’s located. This is only possible because of the strong foundation it has. Without a strong and solid foundation, it will never be able to withstand mother nature and all that she has to throw at it. I feel like preparing for marriage should be the same – there has to be a strong and solid foundation, built upon good values and morals, so the marriage can be successful and will be able to withstand anything that is thrown at it.

            In class this past week, we talked about how there are several “steps” that we have to be aware of and follow so we can ensure a good marriage. The four steps are: (1) dating, (2) Courtship, (3) Engagement, and finally (4) Marriage.  An interesting thing that we talked about with dating was how it is so different now compared to what it was even just a decade ago. Dating, or more specifically, assorted dating, brings so many benefits because it allows someone to meet and spend time with many different people instead of just homing into one person and developing a serious relationship right away. I find it beneficial because when you get to know more people, you get to see how different people act and react in different situations and to different things, which helps you decide what you are looking for and what you would want to avoid. I also believe that once someone has met a variety of different people and they meet someone who they like, they would appreciate the person more.

            Next, we talked about courtship. In today’s relationships, many people seem to not appreciate or practice courtship anymore. I feel like this is so unfortunate because courtship is the stage in a relationship when two people date exclusively, really start to know each other, and form a strong relationship with each other. I find this step so important because a lot of people just skip this and end up not really getting to know the other person. If I am going to marry someone, I will want to make sure that I know them well and try my best to do as many things together as we can so we can see each other in different situations. After two people have gotten to know each other and have been dating exclusively for a while, they can then get engaged and get married.

            I’m not saying that marriages that do not follow this exact pattern will fail or will not be as good as marriages that do, but I believe that if two people try their best to follow these steps, they would be able to know the person they want to commit to a lot better, which is part of building that strong foundation that I talked about earlier, which would benefit the marriage.