As the week comes to an end, I took the chance to look back on what an amazing semester this has been for me. All the classes have been really beneficial for me and I have learned a lot. I took an Accounting class and a couple other business classes as they are required for my major and I’ve enjoyed them. However, none of those classes or even any other class I’ve taken before has had an impact on me as much as this Family Relations class has. I took this class thinking it will be another easy elective credit for me but I left our last class on Thursday feeling like I really have learned a ton not just for myself, but also for my future spouse and family.

            This week’s discussion was all about the aging family. We have read, learned, and discussed about almost every aspect of the family and marriage. These included anything from dating to marriage to dynamics and boundaries in the family to even communication, finances, challenges, and so much more. This last lesson we had was interesting to me as we know for a fact that every single one of us will go through life, age, and grow old. Just look at our parents, I’m pretty confident that most of them (at least for the students who are in this class) are aged between 40 and 60.

            We often talk about marriage and families as this amazing journey – about finding someone and falling in love, then getting married and going through life, starting a family, working to provide and support each other and raise these young kids. What we don’t see or hear too often is the actual aging process. Life happens and everyone grows old. With age comes a myriad of different problems and challenges like health issues, finances, retirement, grandchildren, etc.

            One of the things I appreciate and enjoyed most about this week’s lesson was the fact that we focused more on the happiness and satisfaction of the journey rather than the challenges, even though they are real and exist. We watched a video on two guys – one playing the piano and the other playing either a cello or double bass. They played a special arrangement of Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” and smoothly transitioned into the famous “Viva la Vida” and transitioning again to finally end with “Love Story” once again. This might seem totally unrelated and not make any sense but if you took the time to watch, listen, and analyze what was going on in the video, like a lot of other things in life, you actually start to see something you’ve never seen before and learn a thing or two.

            First of all, I love music. I grew up taking piano lessons. I would have lessons and practice for hours to prepare for actual piano theory and practical exams so I could get certificates. More than those certificates though, was the appreciation I gained for music. Watching the video, you see the two guys playing in symphony. The two instruments work and sound very different, but when intentionally played together, with a lot of practice, sounded amazing. One complemented the other while not overpowering the other. Their timing was on point, as they would need to know when exactly to play a certain note or scale. They also demonstrated a lot of dynamic and different techniques of playing their instruments. For example, there were great examples of crescendo, staccato, pauses, and so much more for the piano. More than any of the instruments, timing, or technique, they enjoyed themselves. You could see that because of all the time they had put into practicing, they played effortlessly and they enjoyed it. They were sucked into the music and enjoyed every beat and bar of the song.

            This just reminded me of how life should be for each of us. Of course there is going to be challenges and trials every single day of our lives, but that’s just the way it is. If we can just accept that life is difficult, it probably won’t be difficult anymore. This week’s lesson and video just reminded me to look at things through a different lens and know that everything we are going through is like a song that spans for years. It is something that should be enjoyed and appreciated.

              Another wonderful week has gone by which means we’ve had some pretty good discussions along with our lesson. We’ve talked a lot about marriages and relationships in the previous lessons and discussions but this week was really insightful and peaked my interest as it was about parenting. All of us who were born into this world has parents. People may have different and maybe even conflicting thoughts, opinions, and feelings about parents and parenting, which is understandable considering the many circumstances and situations people go through.

            What is parenting? What is the purpose of it? The purpose of parenting is to protect and prepare a child to survive and thrive in the world they will live in. I have mentioned this many times before in my previous blog posts but I strongly believe in the importance of parenting and am eternally grateful for all that my parents have done for my siblings and I. They have been the pillar and support throughout our lives and have always made sure they did their best for us. They may not be perfect but I have been blessed with the chance of witnessing two imperfect people come together and do all they can for their children.

            We learned that when it comes to being effective parents, there are three things that should be focused on which would be beneficial and helpful. They are: response ability, respect, and cooperation. Response ability, as the name suggests, is the parents’ ability to respond to anything the child does. Respect is also something immensely important because a lot of parents tend to think of respect as “I am right and you have to listen to me because I am the adult here” but that cannot be further away from the truth. Respect is something that is earned, not given. This principle applies to parenting too. If parents want to be respected by their children, they need to treat their children with respect and know that they are more capable of a lot more things than they might think. Cooperation is also something that is crucial as a family is a unit. The father and mother of a house may work together, but they are also working together with their children to resolve issues or have good times together.

            Other than that, we also discussed about a child’s needs, the child’s mistaken approach because of the need, and the appropriate parental response. These things are closely related to the response ability of parents that was mentioned above. For example, if a child is in need of physical contact or a feeling of belonging, whether they know it or not, they might take a mistaken approach of seeking for undue attention. This could be dangerous and harmful especially for teenagers. The appropriate parental response to this situation should be to offer contact freely and learn to contribute love to the child’s life. The parents should also be able to teach the child regarding choices and the consequences of those choices.

            Another example is a child’s need or want of power over their own lives. A mistaken approach that the child might take because of this unmet want could be rebellion against anything or anyone. They might also try to control others and want to be the dominant figure in a variety of situations. An appropriate parental response to this scenario could be, but not limited to, their ability to respond correctly to it. This could mean giving the child more freedom to make their own choices, but with appropriate boundaries so the child does not go over the limit and do things they are not supposed to.

            I am so grateful for this week’s lesson as it was extremely insightful and made me realize a lot of things that I saw in my parents’ parenting style. I believe that any success would be overshadowed by failure within the walls of a home. It made me grateful for a lot of things and also helped me make a goal of what kind of parent I would want to be in the future.

            This past week’s lesson and discussions were one of my favorites because it talks about and addresses a very important person in a lot of our lives – father. We live in turbulent and confusing times which are very different from even just 10 years ago. We’ve all heard of and know the traditional father whose role is to go out into the workforce and do whatever he can to earn money so he can provide a roof over his family’s head, place food on the table, provide for temporal things in their lives, etc. The mother, on the other hand, had the traditional role of staying at home and taking care of and nurturing her family.

Today, however, we are hearing more and more about the need for equality and how women should be more empowered, that they deserve to be in the workforce and do not have to stay home to nurture and take care of her children, that men are only goof for making money and he is only going to be worth something if he can earn money, that his worth is directly related to his earning-capabilities. In a world where the unit of the family is as important as it was in the beginning of time but with roles shifting around and boundaries being broken down, anyone would be easily confused and lost.

My biggest takeaway from this week’s lesson was that fatherhood matters, no matter what the situation or circumstance may be. I have been blessed and fortunate enough to have a father a and a mother who work tirelessly together ever since they were married, to raise 4 boys and do their best so we get the best that they can offer. My father has always been my role model and someone I look up to and have high respect for. He did not go to college but had odd jobs here and there. When he and my mother got married. They were poor and had nothing. I remember them telling us about how they took an old cardboard box, flipped it over, and used it as their dining table because they could not afford anything.

My father eventually got a job with an industrial printing company and worked his bottom off to make as much as he could. He eventually got promoted several times and even got a job with a German printing company. Over a decade later he was the manager overlooking all the sales within country. There were ups and downs and he eventually ended up with a Swiss company and became their regional manager who overlooks the Asia-Pacific region. With his hard work and good ethics, together with the support of my mother, he was able to provide a comfortable life for all of us and present us with many different opportunities that have blessed our lives.

Other than providing for us temporally, my father has always presided and is the steward of out family. He makes sure he is there for us when we need him and that he is an example for all of us by treating his wife and our mother well, by making sure that we have good values and ethics, by supporting us and giving us advice whenever we need, by being a prominent and valuable father figure in our home to make sure we are good. He is also a shining example of how to be a good husband. He works together with my mother and uplifts her and making sure that she knows her worth.

I have never once in my life thought that my mother could do anything greater than what she did for all of us over the many years. She, together with my father, have been the reason why the 4 of us boys are the way we are and we owe everything to them. I believe that a father and a mother have the most important roles and when they work together no matter what the circumstances are, they are powerful and have the ability to change the course of their children’s lives.

            This week was all about communication and the different ways we communicate. We’ve discussed and talked in class about the many aspects of relationships with our families, spouses, and people we love. Communication is a huge part of relationships and I would even go as far as saying that communication is one of the most basic needs or wants of us human beings. Languages have come up and have been worked on for hundreds and thousands of years since the beginning of mankind and till today, it remains one of the most important aspects of our lives, whether we know it or not.

            There are countless ways of communicating but the main ones that we use every day, are – verbal, non-verbal, and tone. Verbal communication, like mentioned earlier, is just the most basic form of communication. It is the main medium in which we let someone else know something and vice versa. Despite it being so important, almost every one of us have yet to perfect the ways of communicating. Conflicts often arise in any form of relationship we have with others and sometimes these conversations can get hostile and unpleasant.

            We talked and discussed five different ways to deescalate verbal communication and how to change the course of a potentially unpleasant conversation. First of all, we need to know the disarming technique. This is when we do our best to not come off as defensive so the other person(s) will not put up a defensive barrier too, which will escalate the conversation. To do this, we must first be willing to find and focus on kernels of truth, especially when it seems unreasonable. This means that when someone is accusing us of something, we must be able to identify truth in those accusations, especially if they are unreasonable. This shows humility on our end and also shows willingness to listen and to admit guilt. When we do this, defensiveness goes down significantly and tensions are eased.

            Next, we must be able to express sympathy. This has to be sincere and genuine. An example of this is if someone expresses anger or sorrow to us and it seems like it will turn unpleasant or even hostile. It may be tempting or even natural for us to be defensive but that will not help. When we express sincere empathy, sorrow, and apologize when appropriate, it again shows humility and willingness to admit fault. After we show empathy, we can then inquire. This is when we give the other person a chance to express how they feel more. We can say things like “I’d like to hear more”, or “you are saying XYZ, is this right?” This is a sign that we are actually listening and want to be part of this conversation.

            After that, we can move on with the “I feel” statement. A basic and simple example is to use the following sentence: “When a specific situation/event, I feel/felt emotion because thoughts. I really like hope/desire.” This sentence is important because it points out a specific event or situation, then it gives us a chance to express our emotion or feelings and why we feel or felt that way, then it finally presents us with the chance to express our hopes or desires for the situation. This gives the person we are talking to our perspective, thoughts, feelings, hopes, desires, etc. and makes sure the conversation is fair and equal, that it is not just one person talking over the other.

            Once all of these things have been done, we can then move on to stroking. This step is as crucial as the rest of the steps because it is an opportunity to express admiration and appreciation. After all that has been said, there might be things that are unpleasant or even feelings of hurt. Expressing admiration, appreciation, and positive emotions can help sweeten things up a little and in most cases, make everything better.

            My biggest takeaway is that communication is important but also hard. Often times, it is like we are using butter knives to perform brain surgery in our homes. In other words, we have to make sure that we are precise and intentional in our communication, whatever form it may be. We have to make sure that people not just understand us, but that we cannot be misunderstood.

              Another week has gone by and this week’s lesson and discussions were focused on the family and the many different kinds of stresses that it can and will be subject to. Everything that we have talked about before this lesson was focused on specific times or stages in a relationship and in marriage. We’ve talked about how couples face all sorts of different challenges and how heartache and difficulties often arise in this imperfect world.

              According to the Cleveland Clinic: “Stress is the body's reaction to any change that requires an adjustment or response. The body reacts to these changes with physical, mental, and emotional responses. Stress is a normal part of life. You can experience stress from your environment, your body, and your thoughts.” This means that stress is something that everyone, whether in a relationship, married, divorced, or just single, will definitely experience.

              When two people decide to get married, they are committing to a whole new world and way of life that they probably have never experienced before. This means that everything from when and how many children to have to how each of them sleep may be big or small sources of stress to their relationship. Having said this, stress, as mentioned above, is a totally normal part of life and the important thing is how we view them and also how we deal with them.

              A couple can always find out coping methods or mechanisms to help them when they are facing stress or challenges. I also like to look at stress as an opportunity for the couple to be more open, honest, patient, and loving with each other as they can talk to each other and try to figure things out. Through effective communication and love for each other, couples can often times find their relationship being strengthened and create a stronger bond with each other. Couples would also have to know what their weaknesses and strengths are. Two people, no matter how well they get along with each other, will always be different even in the slightest way. This means that they have to be more aware of each other and learn to appreciate each other and find ways to help lift the other person up because of their weaknesses.

              I would like to end this week’s post by sharing a quote by Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin, who was an apostle of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. He said this: “Each of us will have our own Fridays -- those days when the universe itself seems shattered and the shards of our world lie littered about us in pieces. We all will experience those broken times when it seems we can never be put together again. We will all have our Fridays. But I testify to you in the name of the One who conquered death -- Sunday will come. In the darkness of our sorrow, Sunday will come. No matter our desperation, no matter our grief, Sunday will come. In this life or the next, Sunday will come." This is something I find really positive and helpful because it reminds us that challenges and trials are always short-term. If we are able to endure and resolve our problems in a healthy way, there will always be light at the end of the tunnel. Things will get better and this gives light and hope to whoever needs it, whether they know it or not.

            We have been able to talk about a variety of different topics throughout the course of this class and I was able to learn a ton of new stuff. This past week’s discussion was no exception to that. We have talked about preparing for marriage, transitioning into married life, and the many aspects of marriage and preparing for one. This week, we talked about something much more intimate and sacred – Sexual Intimacy and Family Life.

            We have discussed and I have posted on this blog before about how men and women are just undeniably and biologically different. We have different ways of thinking and different ways of responding or dealing to and with situations. Our bodies work differently which means we have different strengths that can assist us greatly with our roles in life. The topic of intimacy in a marriage just strengthens my thoughts and appreciation for those differences and I feel like it is very important for anyone to know of these differences and how they can affect us sexually.

            We were able to talk about and learn how men and women experience and respond to sex. There are four stages of sexual response: Excitement, plateau, orgasm, and finally resolution. Excitement is a result of physical or psychological arousal. Men and women go through different physical changes during this stage like the lubrication of the vagina in women and the erection of the penis in men. This may or may not lead to the next stage, which is plateau. This is when two people engage in sexual activity in preparation for orgasm, which is the third stage. This is the stage when there is a release of all the sexual tension and excitement that has been building up till this point. In men, for example, this is when ejaculation of the semen happens. Lastly, there is resolution, which is a sort of “resting” phase for the body. Men tend to need a much longer time of resolution than women do, as women can have multiple orgasms, sometimes without the need of this resolution phase.

            On top of the physical changes that happen which we can visualize, there are also hormonal changes in men and women’s bodies. Men have testosterone which leads to an increased sex drive and desire, often times more than that of women. Women, on the other hand, have a plethora of different releases of hormones. One of the hormones which will affect women the most is oxytocin. Oxytocin is released when a mother is going into labor. It helps with contractions of the uterus in preparation for delivering a baby. This hormone also makes women incredibly emotionally attached to the baby she just delivered to.

            This presents challenges as women who engage in sexual activity before they get married will experience this surge of oxytocin in their system. They may not be aware of it, but it makes them very attached to whoever their sexual partner is, which may be damaging emotionally as she will get attached but if it is just a hook-up and not an actual and real relationship, she may find it hard to let go and may feel like she is ripped away from him/her. Men, on the other hand, may engage in sexual activity before marriage and just move on a lot easier, which is why men tend to have more sexual partners than women do.

             One thing to remember is that sex may be a very instinctive and human thing to do, but it is also very sacred and powerful. If used correctly and properly, sexual intimacy in marriage has the ability to strengthen, bond, and make a couple feel like one, not just emotionally but physically. Married couples must always be aware of their spouses and be sure that they are treating them with love, respect, but also knowing and meeting their needs. Couples need to also be kind and generous with each other, not withholding love or intimacy with each other.

Last week’s lesson and discussion was all about preparing for marriage and laying the foundation for a good marriage. This week’s discussion continues in the same theme of marriage, but adds to it by talking about the transitions in marriage. As mentioned in the previous lessons and in my thoughts, families are the most important unit and we should actively seek out things that will help strengthen our families or lay the foundation for a good one.

            When two people decide to get married, they are transitioning from being a couple that are dating to being two people who will now live together and will share everything between them, while making big decisions, and may more adjustments and changes. In other words, they are experiencing changes in their roles and responsibilities. It changes even more when they decide to have children, then their roles would change even more.

            Changes can always be difficult because most of us tend to get comfortable with how things are in our lives and we tend to get into habits or routines. Change is often difficult and uncomfortable but is good for us most of the time. I believe that it is important for us to establish patterns in the early stages of anything we do. We had an interesting discussion in class when we talked about developing patterns while we’re still in the stages of a relationship prior to getting married. As mentioned in last week’s post, the stages leading up to marriage are dating, courtship, and engagement. If we are able to develop patterns and habits while we are still in those stages, they will very likely be carried on into the marriage.

            We also talked about how some people think that marriage will solve all the problems that they’ve had while they were dating or engaged but that mentality is wrong. For example, if a couple is always arguing and disagreeing on things, whether big or small, while they are still dating or engaged, those disagreements and arguments will still continue on into their marriage, and even be multiplied into bigger disagreements and arguments.

            Another pattern that we discussed in class that I thought was important and that stood out to me was boundaries. Boundaries are important as they function as invisible and intangible barriers, or a layer or protection, for whoever is within it. I like to look at boundaries as circles. A husband and his wife will have a circle around them. This means that they plan things out, solve problems together, prioritize and spend time with each other. They would and should also be planning things out together. An example that was brought up in class was weddings. Weddings can be a pain to plan and often times are quite a financial burden. Traditionally, the bride’s family is the one who plans and pays for most of the wedding. This doesn’t seem like a big deal to many people but when you think of it, has the potential to cause many problems.

            Marriage is such an important stage and opportunity to a couple because they start and learn how to plan for their wedding and also their marriage. If the bride-to-be is putting all her attention into planning the wedding but with her mother, she is unknowingly disabling the boundary between her future husband and her, and creating one with her mother. When the family pays for the wedding, they might also have certain expectations and want returns or favors from the couple.

            This is just an example of how boundaries can be broken and how a couple might miss out on an important and meaningful opportunity to plan things out and learn to make important decisions together. I believe that if couples who are preparing for marriage really be cautious and recognize planning and learning opportunities, they would be able to develop healthy and useful patterns for when they do get married.